


the ash you know (isn't the real ash)

by purpleavocado



Series: Pokemon Angst [4]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Ash Ketchum has PTSD, Basically No Fluff, Fainting, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Just angst, Nightmares, No Plot, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, Swearing, lots of swearing, no comfort, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29685222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleavocado/pseuds/purpleavocado
Summary: Kind of a character study, I guess. Read if you like seeing Ash suffer!Don't read if you don't like abuse, cursing, panic attacks, fainting, yelling, All Time Low by The Wanted, a Martin Luther King Jr. quote, cutting, Nebby, or angst!Read if you DO like it when the author tortures the main character!
Relationships: none really - Relationship
Series: Pokemon Angst [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071185
Kudos: 15





	the ash you know (isn't the real ash)

**Author's Note:**

> So, at first this was supposed to be a rewrite of the episode Seeing The Forest For The Trees, but . . . yeah. No.   
> Anyway, I'm finally remembering the Disclaimer!  
> Go head, Percy.  
> Percy: do I have to?  
> Thalia: *eye roll* shut up Kelp Head, I'll do it.  
> Percy: What-no! I can do it! I can-  
> Thalia: purpleavocado does not own us, or Pokemon. This is call a FANfiction for a reason, folks.

“YOU'RE NOT ACTING LIKE THE ASH I KNOW!”

A snowball hit him in the face. Ash stared incredulously at Serena as she talked. 

Breathing heavily, he raised an eyebrow and stood up, dusting his pants off.

“The Ash you know, huh?” Ash mused, as Serena looked on, confused as heck. He laughed, a hollow laugh, filled with the bitterness of losing his innocence. For Ash was far, far from innocent. He had seen death, heck, he had  _ caused _ death.

If this were the world of Percy Jackson, his favorite book series as a kid (yes, contrary to popular belief, he  _ did _ read), he'd probably have two fatal flaws, loyalty, like Percy, and guilt. 

~~ Guilt for not being better, for letting everyone down, for not being a leader, for letting Lucario, Latios, Darkrai- ~~

No. he wouldn't dwell on that. That only led to . . . to bad things. Like cutting.

And-

_ Bad mind, bad! _

He blamed his ADHD.

Serena was still confused by the looks of it. He couldn't exactly blame her, he was the one who put up the façade. 

He shook his head in disbelief and gave a crooked grin, but it was wrong, because there was no happiness or joy, just self-loathing.

“Well, have you ever considered that the ʻmeʼ you know isn't the real me?” he asked.

Serena bit her lip, obviously not considering it. Probably thought that he was actually optimistic and was a leader, instead of the complete fake that he was.

“N─no, w─what are you . . . ?”

“And here I thought you were different. Jeez, I’m such a loser. Misty was right, I really am an idiot.”

And now he was talking to himself. Great. They say the first signs of insanity are when people talk to themselves. Maybe he wasn’t sane. He could believe it. He says he jumps off cliffs and does reckless things so his friends would live, and that was true, but maybe he also wanted to get away, without Arceus or some other god bringing him back to life. Maybe all he wanted was peace.

“Ash, I don’t understand, what do you mean, ‘the real you’? And why would I be different? Ash, I─I’m worried about you.”

“Yeah, that’d be a first,” he muttered, more to himself than anyone. A little louder this time, he said, “look, I appreciate you coming after me, but what I  _ don't _ appreciate is saying that I'm not the Ash you know. You were yelling at me for something you don't even understand, and I highly doubt you ever will. Seriously, I'm not that great. Heck, I'm not great at all. I'm just a loser fake who hides behind his friends. I have zero self-esteem, ADHD, I'm freakin suicidal, I cut, I never win, no matter how hard I try, I have a shit life at home, I was fucking abused when I was three, only ending when I was nine, when my crappy dad left my mom, leaving her to raise me, I have panic attacks, PTSD, flashbacks, I have fucking anxiety, I'm a natural pessimist, and I'm probably No. 1 on Team Rocket's hit list. My mom even said that she'd pull me out of my journey and make me go to school if I don't win this league. My brother hates me, my friends all think I'm an idiot, and to top it all off? I can't even tell my fucking crush that I fucking like them. How fucking stupid is that?”

Serena starred, open-mouthed, as he continued.

“But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?” he hit her with a piercing gaze, like his chocolate-brown eyes could see through her soul, and yet they lacked their usual warmth, and freeness, and it was like every inch he slouched, there was another life he had to save. Another death to witness, to cause. Another Armageddon, and he was the one who had to do it all, and there could be no failure.

Ash shook his head again, looking at Serena with a pleading look. “Can you just forget that, and we can go back? Please?” 

Serena looked like she didn't want to at first, but eventually relented. Ash pasted a smile on his face and forced himself to stand tall. His eyes twinkled with mischief. He supposed it was a bit . . . unnatural to do that, but he was used to the looks.

They walked back to the Pokemon Center, and Serena tried her best to wipe what had just happened from her mind.

─────────────────────────────────

Time Skip: Alola, when Ash finds Nebby.

──────────────────────────────────

Ash paced, tearing his hands through his hair, cap long forgotten on the floor. He heard footsteps, but didn't stop pacing, or the mutterings under his breath.

Kukui peaked his head over the ladder, but Ash didn't care. His voice was rising, louder, and didn't care if the whole fucking world could hear him, he just kept talking.

“I literally cannot fucking understand it. Why me? Why is it  _ always _ me? Is it like, whenever I'm on the verge of thinking I  _ finally _ get a  _ fucking break _ , the universe just decides, like, nope! Here's another problem for you to solve! But they don't give a shit to what I think, they just want me to be their fucking pawn, and don't care that maybe, just  **_maybe_ ** , I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!”

His voice was rising now, bordering on hysteria, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Seriously, all he wanted was a fucking  **_break_ ** **,** just one little break!

Nebby was watching curiously, and Kukui was staring open-mouthed, jaw hitting the ground.

He slid down, hugging his knees to his chest as he breathed in, and out, and─

Shit. 

He was having a panic attack. 

Fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

He couldn't breathe now, he was choking and─

The room was spinning.  _ Why was the room spinning? _

Rooms weren't supposed to spin. Were they?

Was everything supposed to be yellow?  _ Why was everything yellow?! _

What was happening? He didn't recognize this place,  _ where was he? _

He couldn't breathe, wait, no, he already knew that, what was─

Curse his low attention span.

_ Fuck, fuck, fu─ _

Sweat was rolling down his face, but he couldn't feel it. He couldn't hear Kukui screaming, or Pikachu Pikachuㅡing, or anything, and─

Black spots were dancing in his vision, slowly taking over. The walls were closing in and that was  _ not good _ . His eyes rolled up to the back of his head and he slumped to the side, passed out.

―――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――

Chapter 2. 

He came to, slowly, fading in and out of consciousness. He didn't care, he was used to it. Sometimes Brock wouldn't be able to get to his fast enough and he’d pass out.

Finally, he opened his eyes, with a headache feeling like someone was pounding Mjolnir– Thor’s electric hammer, he was a mythological nerd─into his brain. He was dizzy, when he tried to sit up the blood rushed to his head and he flopped down again, head landing on a pillow.

Oh. he was on the couch in the loft. Huh. 

He didn't─

Right. Kukui was there.

Kukui was there.

Kukui saw his panic attack.

_ Kukui _ saw his panic attack.

_ Kukui  _ saw his  _ panic attack _ .

_ Kukui saw his panic attack _ .

Well, fuck.

Finally, he regained enough strength in his arms to push himself up. Luckily for him, Kukui was in the basement. Ash crept down the ladder and tiptoed into the bathroom, grabbing something that glinted silver and holding it tightly.

Grabbing a roll of bandages, he opened his hand to reveal a knife. But this wasn't just any knife, no. the sharp edge gleamed, and there were carvings on the handle, of vines and leaves.

Ash wasn't stupid, he knew that if he cut his wrists or ankles pople would notice, and he couldn't have that now, could he?

They'd try to take away his knife, and his knife was  _ a part of him _ , one he  _ couldn't lose _ .

He slipped his shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor. Ash always kept his shirt on, and there was a reason. There were scars criss-crossed all over his chests. 

He braced himself, letting the knife draw a couple drops of red blood. He winced, but he was used to it, the pain. It was the only thing grounding him, and he was scared of not being able to feel it, the day when he finally broke.

He cut a couple times on his shoulder, then wrapped the badges on the cuts. He cleaned up the blood, shrugging the soft cotton of his shirt back on.

He shoved his knife away, and took a case and went out the door, to the beach.

It was empty. Good.

He leaned against a tree, and opened the case, pulling out a shiny blue guitar with a red-and-black flame design. Strumming it a few times, he sighed.

He bit his lip, thinking back to the conversation he had with Serena, months ago.

He winced. That had not gone well, not at all. 

Deciding on a song, he started the music, closing his eyes, and just sang his heart out.

(All Time Low by The Wanted)

_ Praying won't do it _

_ Hating won't do it _

_ Drinking won't do it _

_ Fighting won't knock you out _

_ Of my head _

_ Hiding won't hide it _

_ Smiling won't hide it _

_ Like I ain't tried it _

_ Everyone's tried it now _

_ And failed somehow _

_ So when you gonna let me _

_ When you gonna let me out _

_ Out _

_ And if you know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low _

_ I'm in pieces _

_ Seems like peace is _

_ The only thing I'll never know _

_ How do you get up _

_ Get up _

_ 'Cause driving won't do it _

_ Flying won't do it _

_ Denying won't do it _

_ Crying won't drown it out _

_ What you said _

_ When I'm standing on the yellow line _

_ Waiting at the station _

_ Or I'm late for work _

_ A vital presentation _

_ If you call me now girl _

_ Without reservation _

_ I would try to break through _

_ But if you know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low _

_ I'm in pieces _

_ It seems like peace is _

_ The only thing I never know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low _

_ I can't even find a place to start _

_ How do I choose between my head and heart _

_ Till it ceases I never know, know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low _

_ A low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low _

_ Can you hear me _

_ A low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low _

_ Can't you hear me _

_ A low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low _

_ Can't you hear me _

_ A low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low, a low _

_ And if you know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low _

_ I'm in pieces _

_ It seems like peace is _

_ The only thing I never know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low _

_ I can't even find a place to start _

_ How do I choose between my head and heart _

_ Till it ceases I never know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low _

_ I can't even find a place to start _

_ How do I choose between my head and heart _

_ Till it ceases I never know _

_ How do you get up from an all time low? _

The song was pretty accurate, he thought. He had been drunk once, and it was not fun. Plus, he had had a migraine the next morning, the worst one yet, and he had been through some really bad migraines. 

He hated it, but learned over time that that did nothing, so he bottled it up, slowly, hiding it.

He had prayed, once upon a time, but whatever deity that was out there didn't listen. 

He used to get in fist-fights with Gary, and his older brother, before  _ he _ left, but even when knocked unconscious, he still remembered every. Single. Bit.

He hid it pretty well, or so he thought. Brock had pulled him aside several times, and there were times that he wasn't fast enough to, and had a nightmare, panic attack, or flashback.

He smiled, so much it hurt, but there were times where he found himself thinking about the things  _ he wasn't supposed to think about _ , and his smile reflected that, it became just a bit broken.

All his life, he'd never known peace. 

He had tried to drive away once, he stole his dad's car, but crashed it before long. After that, well . . . .

Flying on Charizard helped, a little, but in the end it didn't really do anything at all.

He denied it, but it had always come back to haunt it, so he had just learned to accept it─well, not  _ accept it _ , perse, but close enough.

He cried, cried until he couldn't anymore, but eventually he learned that all that got him was pity.

Faintly, dimly, somewhere in the back of his mind he realized that Kukui was probably worried about him, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

Trains were loud, too loud, and when he was home, he always tried to spend as little time there as possible, because his mom, always tried to convince him to stop his journey, and to get a job, but he was  _ 18 _ now, dammit, he was officially a legal adults in all the main Regions, to hell with what his mom thought. He loved her, sure, but she was just so  _ stifling _ and  _ smothering _ sometimes, he just had to get away.

And there was another thing. His head always told him to slow down, to  _ stop almost dying! _ Either die or don't die, dammit!

Screw the gods, or whatever deity decided to make his life hell. 

Again, curse his ADHD for letting his train of thoughts get to here.

Ash thought of a quote he had once heard. He thought it applied pretty well to him.

If you can't fly, then run.

If you can't run, then walk.

If you can't walk, then crawl.

But whatever you do,

You have to keep moving forward.

一Martin Luther King Jr.

No matter how much he wanted to stop, to rest, he always kept moving forward. He never stopped. And no matter what, he never would.

**Author's Note:**

> yours in demigodishness and all that,   
> purpleavocado.  
> ciao, peeps!


End file.
